I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
