You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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