i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
