Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
