I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
