i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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