I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
