K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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