She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
