I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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