this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
