ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
