I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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