dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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