first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
