Have you finally orgasmed yet?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
