help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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