She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
