he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
