Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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