I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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