My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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