I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
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