So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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