Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
