Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
