Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
