That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
