so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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