i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
