I wish my penis had an off switch
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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