I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
