Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
