Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
