Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
