Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
