Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
