I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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