the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
