I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
