sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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