I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
