I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
