I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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