She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
