He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
