I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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