There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
