She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
