I think my fart just growled at me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
