I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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