he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE