If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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