now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
