i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
