I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
