Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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